Learning Curve

I have to keep reminding myself not to settle this time. I am learning about what I want through process of elimination, or negative selection. It's not enough, and it's not okay. But it will do right now. Sometimes I don't realize certain things, until I have articulated them, to no one in particular. Maybe I say it for my own sake; maybe I realized that's how I realize things.

Things are starting to come together. I find that I really don't care this time. There is not even the self-deceiving, sporadic, roller-coaster-y good-feeling anymore. No more reading through text message exchanges and letting out a sigh of contentment or yelp of excitment. No more worrying about what I'm wearing or what I'm going to wear. No more stealing glances and stealing kisses. No more negotiation. I have no grounds to give, and I'm not going in. And then I find that I am bored of this after all. It is just as unfulfilling as I'd always imagined. It is the reason for inventing emotional investment in the first place.

Now I wait for things to fall apart, to fall away. For when I should realize, I don't need the real physical attachment just as I don't need the invented emotional investment. For when I should realize, positively, what I want. Good things do come to those who wait. I read about myself, 3, 8, 13, 17 months ago, asking myself, when will it end, when will I be free... And I'm here. I might say it took too long, or I might just set the burden down. So now I wait again. It's not enough; it's not okay. But it'll have to do for now.